when i need a little passion - i listen to Ray La (Montagne)
and Ray Charles for that matter

Thanks Rays

advent

the homily today hit home.
sometimes simple concepts resound in my heart after the 20th time I have heard it.
it suddenly really makes sense.
fr. larry spoke of preparing our heart for the infant to come. our lord is coming. as a baby. and we pray that we are ready for his coming and ready for him to come into our lives. hearts and hands open.

i can actually relate to jesus, the baby, now. because i love! babies! when a baby is in the room if I don't get to hold it, I might go a little crazy. when I lived with 4 babies at a time, I tried to hold each one every day. when I have a day off, the babies that I live with get bigger and do cute things without me.

p.s. I am not their mother!

so my point is, I love babies, I love children. And now jesus is coming in a few weeks. (for a holiday i celebrate every year) but this year hits a little deeper... because I see how much I long to hold a baby, watch it coo and drool. everyday, without tiring of it. and I see now that my passion and love for this, is something that can be channeled torwards god very easily. (in concept).
I hope that I can long to be with God and strive for time with him and smile so big when we are together -
I hope that the excitement that hits when we are waiting for the pregnant belly to burst at our home can be here and now and always as I wait each year for Christmas. For Christ's Mass, his first coming to our lives. in his humble manger and in his careful parents hands. i hope now for more time with HIM and more excitement and love for HIM.

happy advent.

fall
we turn beautiful colors
to shed them
to be bare and open
rustic and close to the roots
everything becomes a little colder
a little more ... warm on the inside
we wait for the first snow
and we prune
for the blossoms.

well... it has been a long string of complaining and worrying....
but holding on to hope gets you through - the lord grants me hope :)

things that get more tough as you get older

-turning the other cheek
-getting sick
-paying bills
-staying in touch with friends
-good sleep


the list is longer, but these here are main factors.
i am feeling a little burdened at the moment.

so tired

I am tired - because things have not gone my way. it's been a long journey. lean not on your own understanding.

no words

I would like to tell you about what I have seen in my time here in Phoenix. But I can't explain most of it. I can't put it into words. Let me try it this way: I have met faces and I have been places, I won't forget any of them. Women have told me their stories and I have nodded, listened, and handed them a tissue when needed. After taking a tissue for me, I have realized that, of course I cannot describe it to you, because it is their story. Not mine, I just was able to be a part of it. Sitting at an uncomfortable booth at a fast food place, I have watched woman after woman, walk up to me with different looks in their eyes; uncaring, tired, not sure of what hope is, doubt, vacancy, mistrust, surprise because sometimes I am younger than them, pain and un-forgiveness. All of these are not erased when they leave the booth. Sometimes there is relief after - by talking to someone who isn't judging them, we have battled the figurative weight they came in with. Their shoulders leave a little lighter. I'd like to think that, anyway. I have seen women walk out the door of our home, months later, after moving in, passing the fast food interview. I have seen them walk out with a sparkle, a light, confidence, love, a softness, and hope. Again, I know that they aren't cured, but when that light turns inside, and I get to witness it, my heart leaps.
I don't know how to tell you about the women that walked away from the booth, and I never saw them again. Their faces burn into my heart deeply. They must have felt sadness after telling us so much of their life and then maybe not being able to move into our home. They went back to the abuser, the shelter, the drugs, the street, the rain and other places. Sometimes they don't have such a tragic ending, they got their chance in another way. I pray. I read a letter from one of the women, who let me know that 2 weeks before our meeting her, she stood in the street waiting for a car to come and take her life. Desperation has fueled many of the lives that I cross paths with, and I hope that they can find a passion to fuel it with instead. That same woman was able to come to our home and leave a little lighter. A woman that couldn't come to our home, left with a wall up. She shut down, her eyes lost their color, when I said, she wouldn't be able to come for her own safety reasons. She took it personally, I saw it. I pray for the hardness in her life to be gone, I pray for the baby that is being born soon. I wish they knew they are not forgotten by me, by others, or by God.
I feel that I am still not conveying this for you to understand, do you have an image in your head yet?
Try imagining: hearing the slap of pavement on a 19 year olds feet as she runs to our home after being thrown to the ground by her abusive boyfriend. She was awarded bruises up and down, and lost her sandals in an effort to run faster.
Try: walking by the room of the 18 year old that puts a sheet over her window and sleeps with the light on, the door open, and the radio on. She faces the hallway and sleeps light, as she remembers being molested in her past.
Try: smelling the body odor of the 27 year old woman who we picked up from the local women's shelter. She hadn't showered in at least a week, there were some incidents at the shelter when she did try to shower.
Try: cradling your baby when you hear about the 34 year old woman that met Child Protective Services on day 2 at the hospital after delivering Casearean. They threatened to take her son away that day, they accused her of not changing at all from her past. They said horrible things to her face.
Can you hold a straight face when you go drug testing and the 22 year old bubbly blond next to you, lets you know that she is experiencing PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) because she has to pee.While she waits in line she has to hold it and you find out holding it reminds her of her childhood abuse when her foster parents demanded she drink gallons of water and then made her hold it until it hurt.

I am depressing you?

I can tell you that the 19 year old, got new sandals and went to stay somewhere safe. They put a warrant out for the abuser. The 18 year old slept safely for her 3 months at our home. The 27 year old got to shower. The 34 year old proved that she had changed and kept her baby. The 22 year old has overcome many obstacles including getting counseling for the abuse.

Whenever I hear someones story, I stop and think, that I have heard it all now. But I haven't. I will keep hearing stories that will make me cringe, my eyes water, and my heart break.

I thank God for this time of sorrow. Because I can be united to him and his suffering. I can pray for the women to be united with him as the sufferers themselves.
I know that the third day brings hope, the resurrection always follows. I pray for the sparkles that appear in their eyes and I wait for my heart to delight in their new found joys.
I guess I found more words than I thought that I would... I hope you understand a little better now.

the calm of the storm

the storm has been rumbling for quite some time
and i know that God stands there trying to offer the simplicity and peace of his love
his answers are better than mine
his love is never failing and is much much better than mine
while i have learned i cannot fill myself up - the hard way
i got to re-learn how much i need my cup full from him only
the need of overflowing wisdom, gifts of the spirit, and peace
are only gifts given by him
i am thankful that he waits for me and has never given up
i know that i deserve the storms coming to me
but i am grateful for the calms he is re-teaching me, more patiently than the first time.

hello,
i am young girl. all i know is what my parents taught me. and didn't teach me. i know that selfishness invaded my life from a young age. i was the whore from an early age. a cousin taught me about sex when i was 10. i was judged, laughed at, and abused. at 18 i was pregnant. they all told me to get an abortion. I couldn't think for myself. they know best, right? my due date was last month. i think it would've been a girl. i am pregnant again, this time, they should mind their own business. i am not sure what love is. i never truly had it. my mom told me she regretted me. i told her i regretted her too. but it is not true. she does the best she can. she lives with a man she doesn't love. they don't talk much. i wonder if i will end up like that. i am always misunderstood. not many people take the time to talk to me. i am written off. i am scared me and this baby, I named him Christian, I am afraid we won't make it. i worry about a miscarriage. i have said i regret him, it is not true either. that is all i know, how to regret, but not really love.
i hope that i can find myself. and i can find a friend, or 2 to listen to me. i have the longest road ahead of me... good thing i have learned; one day at a time.
with sincerity, me

i so called it.

the moose stares at me from the top of the fireplace. demanding. eyes gaping. antlers huge and expecting. he is always there. he has taunted me this whole year and we are back here again. but i zoom out, there is a bigger picture. the fireplace he is on, the living room that the fireplace sits. the cabin it all settles in. the vacation properties they lot on. the town in the state. the state in the country. the country in the world. if i let the moose become everything, he will. if i don't, there is a whole world out there in the middle of the heavens that i know means everything and more.

i know, you don't get it, but it makes sense to me.

warm cheeks. warm kisses. warm fuzzies. warm feelings. warm weather. warm future.

moldable rock

Believe it or not this rock is moldable; if you hold it in your hands you can feel the softness of it
it is a remarkable rock
it's missing its partner, if you've seen it, let me know